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Topic Started: Nov 6 2009, 07:01 PM (88 Views)
*Skyler*	Nov 6 2009, 07:01 PM Post #1
Skyler // The Original Posts: 3,889 Group: Administrators Member #287 Joined: Oct 11, 2009	1~ A Long Swim The sun rose over the horizon. The Wailord slowly approached the cove, and splashed Pelipper out of the sky. Tailow flew west toward Mt. Pyre, while Wingull took off east for Mossdeep and south for Sootopolis. Another average day for Lilycove City. "Tyler, hurry up or you'll be late for the S.S. Briney!" Mother called. A loud, Unnn cried from upstairs. Mother grunted. "Swablu, be a dear and peck that boy out of bed please." Swablu smiled and flew up to Tyler's room. Clothes were spread out on the floor, and the television was about to fall. Swablu pecked Tyler in the belly, and he was up. He screamed loudly, Swablu flew out the window to escape. "Great, another wonderful day. At least I- OH NO, THE BOAT!" Tyler exclaimed. He quickly got his jeans, white shirt, white hat, and sneakers on, and rushed out the door. His mother smiled, but didn't wave. "Ah man, my backpack! I need to get it! Better hurry to the Department Store to get it from dad!" Tyler said to himself. He dashed to the tallest, most magnificent building in Lilycove, and took the elevator to the top floor. He bolted into the office, and grabbed his backpack, while father grabbed him. Settle down Tyler, I'll take you to the port, it's only seven in the morning, and the ship doesn't leave until seven-thirty! Now then, Natu, teleport Tyler to the port now! Natu popped out from under father's desk, and used teleport - in an instant Tyler was at the port, ready to go. "Hello there! I'm Captain Stanley Smith! Who are you boy?" The captain asked. "My name is Tyler! I'm taking the boat to Slateport to get a package from Professor Birch, a Mudkip!" The captain smiled. "My, that sounds exciting. We will leave shortly, why don't you get some breakfast? There's a donut shop just three blocks over!" Tyler smiled and walked calmly to the store. "Ah, donuts, my favorite food! Time for some breakfast!" Tyler yelled. He ran over and ordered five chocolate donuts, with sprinkles. Tyler devoured the donuts quickly, and left the store, money on the table with tip. On the way to the port, Tyler spotted a Swampert, building a sandcastle. Tyler waved at it, and Swampert grinned. "Bye!" Tyler screamed. And he was off. “Captain, am I late?” Tyler asked. “Oh no, people are still yet to arrive. You can get aboard and go to your room. Cabin thirteen.” The captain said. Tyler walked calmly to his cabin, ready for a peaceful journey to Slateport City. “Attention Harbor of Lilycove! This is Team Rocket! We will now be taking S.S. Briney. You can’t stop the force of Team Aqua! Shelly, take it from here!” a man announced. “Yes sir. People of Lilycove, we are Team Aqua. We thought that we had made a terrible mistake five years ago. Some might remember. When Groudon and Kyogre destroyed half of Sootopolis, and Rayquaza settled it. We now realize it is not our fault. There is another! We will return with power, and Team Aqua will rule! Lilycove will become the city we rule from, so please, help us out, and if Team Magma ever surfaces, tell us, so we may extinguish their flames of hope!” Shelly got off the intercom. All was quiet. Tyler quietly creaked his cabin door open, and snuck to the deck. The boat was quickly leaving the Harbor. Captain Stanley was knocked out. “I better stay quiet and see where Team Aqua goes!” Tyler muttered to himself. He went to a door; it was a room with a bucket. He got in, and sealed the door shut. “Archie, all is clear. We are ready to go to Dewford and attack the city. The Walrein are ready to freeze anyone who gets in the way!” Admin Matt said. “No, I thought of something better. Do we have fire types?” Archie asked. “Yes. We have two dozen Torkoal, and a Camerupt. “When we get within a five mile radius, order Fire Blast repeatedly. We’ll let nature do the rest.” Archie ordered. Matt understood clearly and went to the deck to stand guard. “Now how am I going to get out of this predicament?” Tyler said to himself. He was pacing in the room, wondering what to do, when he accidentally stepped on something. It was a Magikarp, flopping around aimlessly. “A Magikarp! Awesome! Magikarp, will you help me escape?” Tyler asked. Magikarp flopped faster, and used tackle to open the door, knocking a grunt off board. Tyler was spotted. “Huh? An intruder! Go Corpish use Crab Hammer!” another grunt ordered. “Magikarp tackle!” Tyler ordered. Amazingly, Magikarp tackled hard and Corpish fell to the ground. “What? But how? Why?” The grunt said. Magikarp pushed him off the boat, and he was gone. “Bad idea child!” another voice said. It was Matt. “Who do you think you are? I’ll show you real power! Go Marshtomp use water gun!” a Marshtomp came out and Tyler was pushed down. Magikarp frowned and tackled Marshtomp. Matt laughed. “You really think that is going to work? Knock that fish back into the sea Marshtomp!” Marshtomp swatted it, and it was gone. Matt laughed again while Tyler got back up. Magikarp swam below to the rudder, and startled to repeatedly tackle it. Tyler was being taken to Archie for invading the mission. Tyler was shaking. “So, you dare mess with Team Aqua child? Another kid used to wrestle with us. His Blaziken was good, but you have no Pokemon. I will warn you once, stay out of our way! Matt, throw him into the hull with the Pokemon, they need some fun!” Just as Tyler walked out of the captain room, the ship suddenly reared right. It struck an iceberg from the north, and began to sink. Alarms went off. Team Aqua forgot Tyler had even been there and were running for the Submarine below. All left in minutes, Tyler by himself. “What is happening?” Tyler said to himself. A Magikarp jumped up from the side, and slapped Tyler. “Great job, but now we are sinking! What should we do?” Tyler asked. Magikarp pushed him off the ship, and dived with him. Tyler was going for a swim. Tyler had been swimming for days with Magikarp now. Both were weak and needed rest. Then Tyler spotted his savior. “Finally, some land!” Tyler said. Magikarp and Tyler were floating adrift like wood in the ocean, and were finally reaching dry land. “I wonder where we are.” Tyler asked himself. Magikarp smiled and swam off, leaving Tyler by himself. “Huh, I thought it was staying. Well, might as well swim over to this island and see if I can get a ride to Slateport. Tyler swam over, and kissed the sand. Then he spit it out. He walked over the hill in front of him, to see an arena. It was gigantic, and had spotlights everywhere. He saw thousands of people, and two trainers, with two Pokemon. “Oh my! I must be on Ember Island!” Tyler exclaimed. He ran down the hill towards the stadium, and rushed in for some action. He took an open seat to watch. “This is a three-on-three Pokemon battle between Elite 4 Member Lucian of Sinnoh and the newest member of the Hoenn Fighter Fleet Gang, Stan!” They both waved at everybody, and then readied their Pokeballs. “Gallade, time for action.” Lucian muttered. “Electabuzz, let’s rumble!” “Gallade, ready a Leaf Blade, but do not attack yet!” Lucian ordered. “Electabuzz use Thunderbolt!” Electabuzz shot bolts at Gallade, Lucian smiled slightly. “Gallade, Leaf Blade let’s go!” Gallade cut through the bolts as if they were paper, and struck Electabuzz rock hard. “Electabuzz return, go Feraligatr!” A Feraligatr appeared. Lucian frowned. “Gallade, Leaf Blade again! Full strike!” “Use Hydro Pump!” Feraligatr shot a pump hard, but Gallade got through like before, and Feraligatr fell to the ground, unconscious. “Return Feraligatr! Weavile go!” “Gallade. It is time for a swift exit. This Weavile might prove danger. Use Close Combat!” “That would hurt if it strikes, so Weavile use Ice Beam, try to freeze Gallade, then use slash!” Weavile shot a chilling beam, and Gallade was frozen, but only partly. Its feet were stuck to the ground. “Gallade use Leaf Blade to free you!” “Oh no you don’t Lucian, Weavile use Dark Pulse!” Weavile hit Gallade fast and hard, and it fell to the ground. Weavile laughed as Lucian was infuriated. “You are quite the battler, but deal with this!” Lucian yelled. Then he sent out an Alakazam. “Whoa, a powerful Pokemon for sure. Weavile, better be safe and use Dark Pulse!” Weavile shot a Dark Pulse, it was going to hit. Then Alakazam vanished. It had teleported to dodge. “Oh no!” Stan screamed. Alakazam was right behind Weavile. “Use Fire Punch!” Lucian ordered. Weavile was out of the match. “Weavile you did great! Electabuzz back out now for action!” Electabuzz came out ready for more. Use thunderbolt!” Electabuzz came out fast and shot another bolt, just as before. “Teleport then use Energy Ball Alakazam go!” Alakazam again vanished, and attacked. In an instant Electabuzz was struck, but not out – yet. “Electabuzz, use thunder, on the ground, as much as you can!” “Teleport. Energy Ball.” Alakazam teleported, but the ground shocked it hard. Alakazam couldn’t take much more. “Alakazam hang in there, you’re doing just fine. Finish that Electabuzz with Psychic!” Alakazam glowed light purple, and struck. Electabuzz was being hit mentally. It fell to the ground. “Lucian is the victor!” Everybody cheered. “And that is the way we do it.” Lucian said. He walked away. “Wow, an Elite 4 Member is so strong, that guy barely knocked out Gallade, and Alakazam survived that Thunder easily! I should ask him for help, I’m sure he would be happy to.” Tyler ran off out of the stadium towards Lucian, unaware of a Skarmory spying on him. “So he has met Lucian. How interesting, eh Archie?” Matt said. “Enough talk, we need to take action. Skarmory with a camera on its neck was brilliant, but no more spying, time to attack and take him down; he knows we are out there. Shelly prepare the Submarine. I will board at dawn. Then Ember Island will be crushed by our power.” Archie laughed maniacally, then walked to his master bedroom, ready for a good night’s rest. “Skarmory!” The Skarmory yelled out. It dove down at Tyler, and grabbed him by the arms. It began to fly to the west side of Ember Island. The forbidden side. “Not good!” Tyler said to himself.
	I'm not afraid to take a stand Everybody come take my hand We'll walk this road together, through the storm


Rhawk	Nov 7 2009, 08:00 AM Post #2
Seel Posts: 91 Group: Members Member #33 Joined: Nov 4, 2008	I might be a little fuzzy with reviewing so if I give out the wrong advice, it's writer's rust, I haven't review a fan fic in about ... a year! lol SO anyway I didn't read all of it because I knw that it was all going to be rushed and not have enough detail and storytelling in this piece. Your paragraphs need more description, you make constant grammer mistakes (which can be easily fixed), and there may be more but I can't think of the right techniques right now. Lets start with the grammer as it's simple to correct. You seem to forget to put in speech marks at points like with this part here. Your example Settle down Tyler, I'll take you to the port, it's only seven in the morning, and the ship doesn't leave until seven-thirty! Now then, Natu, teleport Tyler to the port now! Natu, teleport Tyler to the port now! My example "Settle down Tyler, it's only seven in the morning, and the ship doesn't leave until seven-thirty!" his father chuckled as he grabbed his energetic son. "But if you need to get there in a hurry I guess I can do you this small favor. Natu, teleport Tyler to the port now!" Now that makes more sense, and also notice that I changed some of the dialogue in it as well. The reason why I done this is because you don't tend to explain things long enough, there no need to rush your writing as you can take as long as you want to riht a story. Heres another example of your writing and how it could be improved. Your example "Tyler, hurry up or you'll be late for the S.S. Briney!" Mother called. A loud, Unnn cried from upstairs. Mother grunted. "Swablu, be a dear and peck that boy out of bed please." Swablu smiled and flew up to Tyler's room. Clothes were spread out on the floor, and the television was about to fall. Swablu pecked Tyler in the belly, and he was up. He screamed loudly, Swablu flew out the window to escape. My example "Tyler, get up honey or you'll be late catching the S.S. Briney!" a small woman with a white overol shouted up to someone from the living room. In respones to her wake up call was a loud tired like moun coming from somewhere upstairs in the house. The woman then growled in fustration to the boy's reply to her, "Swablu, be a dear and wake Tyler up would you darling?" She sweetly asked her cloud like bird pokemon and tickled under it's chin which it appeared to enjoy. The small bird then flew upstairs into a room that looked more like a garbage disposal room. Clothes were spread out all over the floor, along with many video game covers, plushie toys and what appeared to be a leftovr piece of cheese pizza as well. Swablu then jumped onto a wooden bed which had a giant bump under the blankets, but this was not a pail of clothes as there was a single foot emerging from the bottom of the bed sheets. The Swablu then quietly landed on the boy side table and let out a screeching growl which alarmed the boy so much that he jumped out of bed in panic. See? you don't need to rush a story, try to make it as detailed as possible. My example wasn't the best in the world, but it is something aong the right path of fan fiction writing, I'm a little but new myself, new a in trying to get my writin rush away. I won't give a mark as you will need to redo this again and try to watch out for grammer mistakes and remember to expand your story and make it more detailed. I too make a fan fiction on here, if you want to see a decent example of what to do, go to this link here. Good luck in the future. Pokemon XD Chronicles Edited by Rhawk, Nov 7 2009, 08:03 AM.
	I create a new fan fiction called 'Pokemon XD Chronicles'. If you would like to see it, click on the link below: Pokemon XD Chronicles


Deleted User	Nov 7 2009, 01:23 PM Post #3
Deleted User	Not a bad fic, it just needs a little more detail adding to it. Apart from that i think you have a nice piece of fan fiction
Deleted User


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