Vampire's Assasin (PG- 15)

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Vampire's Assasin (PG- 15); Sort of like a Halloween story; but not.
Topic Started: Oct 30 2009, 05:33 PM (52 Views)
Idol Girl	Oct 30 2009, 05:33 PM Post #1
Glitches Shape My Life. Posts: 1,217 Group: Elite Members Member #223 Joined: Jul 18, 2009	This will be a very short fan fiction, not this chapter, I wrote this in ELA, so I'm converting it to a fan fiction. This PG- 15 for Violence, Romance, And Some Language. Chapter 1; My Town. It was dark out, which is where I live now, Halloween road; where darkness is always er... dark... Bats always fly above my house, the weather never changes, It is always dark, and stormy. The only it wasn't was was er... never. "Mom, I am going," I would say, my mom isn't human -- she is actually a vampire, which are beasts in human form. Unfortunately, I am the only human left, and I have to be killed, they want no humans, ever former humans want me gone, and they aren't in costume. I have to hide my looks by wearing a costume, everyone would say I'm not "vampire like" they would say I'm more "beast like." Walking around this town is always scary, I've been living here for fourteen years, and its getting older every year. I only have one human friend, well, a former human, she still likes me no matter what. "Kylie!" She would see me everyday when I'm at my house, I'm only allowed out and walking until night, except on Halloween, I am allowed out during the day. "Kylie, where are you going?" I couldn't answer school, school doesn't exist in my town. "The store," I couldn't say anything but that. "Cool, can I go with you?" She smiled and hugged me. "Sure, Liane, you can come," it was the only to make her happy. "Yay!" She hugged me again. "Okay, stop!" I got her off of me. "Sorry, Kylie!" She smiled and walked with me. "Liane, don't do anything stupid," I crossed my arms. "Okayyy!" She winked, didn't wink back. "You can be so annoying sometimes." I complained, we were at the store, we walked in. "A human girl, may I suck your blood?" I wasn't I tried leaving, but Liane shielded me. "Leave her alone!" She had never protected me before, this was the first time. "I'm only here to look more like one of you!" I was referring to a costume. "Go ahead, the costume section over there." It looked very tiny, but I saw a cover place, that is what they call costumes. "Kylie, I would be careful if I were you." Liane complained, she was terrified of my future. TBC.
	All credit goes to Oske. Theme song for season 13 or 14. ...A gentle breeze. ...Makes it a win with ease. ...But, that's not why I'm here. ...I'm here to win them all. ...Speak with the heart. ...That is what's right. ...Begin the battle with love. ...Begin the battle with your soul. ...The battle begins here! ...Pokémon! VolTaklingPika @ Chat Box Let me guess - school is a giant bitch. credits Credit to Hollow Abyss for the avatar.


*Hikari*	Oct 30 2009, 06:00 PM Post #2
Bess to see Thockmorton Posts: 884 Group: Administrators Member #1 Joined: Aug 25, 2008	Quote: "Kylie, I would be careful if I were you." Liane complained, she was terrified of my future. How does the reader know she is terrified for the main character's future? Does her facial expression give it all away? Or does the character just have a feeling that she does? Show me, don't tell me. Basically, you need to work on elaborating. The first few paragraphs (lines) aren't that detailed. Just spend a little more time on it and you'll do fine.There's too much dialogue and not enough action. Get what I'm saying?



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